Thursday, 3 February 2011

There Should Be Plays Written About This Couple.

I spent an hour of my working day yesterday watching an amazing documentary on BBC iPlayer called ‘Do We Really Need the Moon?’ It was on in the background and I was definitely, definitely working.

Anyway, I would like to share with you what I have learnt in the form of a modern day love story.*

It all began billions of years ago when our heroine, Earth, was just a lonely ball just hangin', waiting for her prince. One day a drunken planet slammed into her and sent some of her essence (liquid rock) into space. That hot stuff then twirled into a ball and went into orbit around our planet - and that is how the Moon was born! She was up the previous night crying and wishing on shooting stars and her dreams came true! Hundreds of millions of years later, she got a bit broody which made her habitable and that's when we were born!

Now, why do some people call Moon Earth's protector? It takes 29 days for Moon to turn once and it takes 29 days for Earth to turn once the opposite way therefore we only ever see one side of Moon. Apparently, the side we never see - the dark side - is covered with massive craters. Guess why? No, guess! Because he’s been hit by many asteroids which would have otherwise collided with Earth. Taking bullets for your loved one is so romantic! ♥ ♥

Not only is Moon Earth’s protector, he is also her anchor. Moon's gravity and Earth's gravity balance out so that she isn't spinning out of control. Basically Moon is the 'voice' of reason to Earth who is pulling off her rings, getting ready for a fight or when she is holding a razor to her veins and he pulls her back from the brink. Sadly, this is as physical as it gets between them.  

If Moon shuffles any closer the gravity imbalance will cause Earth to spin out of control, send the oceans flying and ice caps melting. Basically, a lot of people will DIE and Earth is our loyal mother and does not want this. But Moon says he is okay with this because he is not after the sex.

♥ ♥ If you are still fresh faced and young and believe in White Knights and Prince Charmings, then this is where the story ends for you. They have a big white wedding, the whole shebang and live happily ever after. ♥ ♥

However, if you are over the age of 12, read on.

--- But Moon says he is okay with this because he is not after the sex.


That's what he wants you to believe.

Right from the beginning, Moon has been moving steadily away from the Earth. He takes a 3.5cm step back every year so we are still quite a few billions years away from an inter galactic bust up but STILL. He can’t abandon Earth because he is a bit BORED or because he thinks he can do better. We all know Moon saw a vulnerable, overweight planet with a wobbly disposition and thought he'd take advantage! The little &*£!?$

One day there will be a big ol’ rough n tumble; Earth with her stale make up tears, vomiting down a black hole while Venus holds back her hair, Uranus all up in Moon’s face with his stench; Saturn with his guns and moon girls and Pluto the Non Planet looking on from the back, holding everyone's coats.

For now though Earth is still loved up and unaware; still burping when Moon isn't looking, still sucking in her hemispheres, so let's not break her heart. But we all know how this will end – Earth booty shakin’ to Independent Women and sworn off men… until another wastemoon comes along.

*My re-enactment may or may not be 100% scientifically accurate.


  1. LOOOOOOOOOOOL aahhh I need you in my life woman! we should be meeting up for mocktails and sarnies! This made me laugh, especially the little jokes such as 'wastemoon', venus holding back earth's hair, uranus and the 'stench' aahhhh i was in stitches lol I looove the way you write Ro (I can call you that right? ro? rolly? roland?) xxx

  2. hey yooohh, did I sound weird?! how did you expect me to sound?! :S haha aaaahh xxxOOOxxx

  3. You know what Carmen. Do you really want to know what? Youre bloody mad! Yes you can call me Ro, people call me all sorts so yeah go for your life lol you really are crazy and I'm so glad I know you! You gimme laughs when I needs it!!!!!!!!!!!

    Thanks, is it weird I see the moon and earth as lovers? Cant I be normal and see them as planets and moons? hmmm

    Roland? Really?