The Royal Honeymoon

Well, we don't yet know where the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are going for their honeymoon. To be honest I am not interested - its their private time, they're married and they shouldn't have to face half the world's media to get that privacy. But, it is interesting that the Daily Mail is reporting that their honeymoon location is somewhere in the Indian Ocean and is 'very Robinson Crusoe-like'. £4000 a night. Right. It doesn't take a genius to figure it out.

I'm left wondering if Kate Middleton has been rummaging through my wedding scrap book (I don't have one... Really) but there have been one too many coincidences if this honeymoon rumour is true.

This is 

This was

This is one of MY ideal holiday destinations... picture me stomping my feet!

Soneva Gili by Six Senses, Maldives (Crusoe Residences)

The award winning resort really is paradise on earth. A whole villa to yourself, a private butler, cook and transport to the main island whenever you request it. The entire resort prides itself on its commitment to eco issues (it was built using locally sourced wood) and they have a 'no news no shoes policy' (yes, they confiscate your shoes upon arrival). Jump off your villa whenever you fancy a swim or sleep under the stars on your outdoor bed. Request your own private picnic on one of the two small private desert islands nearby or go for a sunset boat ride with dolphins and sea turtles. Oh and HALAL FOOD. (All this info from memory - I impress myself sometimes).

Pretty much perfect.

I really sound like a snob but I don't care about the butlers and all the other small luxuries they throw in. I love this place so much for their philosophy and also how REMOTE it is. It truly is the perfect desert island.

How To Write A Marriage CV - For Asian Men

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The task of writing a marriage CV for a man is a bit more straightforward. There are only so many tips I can dispense for the men and it is for this reason I will not be posting a Part 2, as I did for the Asian Female post.

The list below covers all ground but if none of them apply to you, don’t worry someone will take pity find you funny.

♥ If you have a British passport then this will be the only piece of information you will need to provide - after the usual name and age. Trust me, illegal immigrants and divorcees will be queuing up for the hot piece that is you.

♥ If you are a British citizen and also have a healthy income, make sure you write that. Underline it if you need to because you will probably be eligible for a moderately fussy model type somewhere. Bingo.

♥ On top of being British and quite wealthy, if you also have your own property then it is my grim duty to inform you that you must physically barricade yourself in a safe house somewhere. Don't tell anyone where you are. The world and its Asian aunts are going to be after you. You probably already have several tracking devices on your person. Run.

On the plus side, this means you can have your pick. No CV required. When you're ready click your fingers, and your future in law's will be sitting around your table, feeding you sweet meats and sweet words, grateful that you have appointed their daughter your chosen one.

To the observant: you may have noticed that I have not once mentioned a man's looks. Understand this: he does not need to be good looking. Of course it will always be a bonus but you could look [and dress] like the man pictured above and still nab yourself a beauty. When If the daughter does not find you attractive, fear not, because the parents probably will. And we all know whose opinion it is that matters.

So, chin up men. You could be as goodlooking as a baboon in heat * but with a little bit of marketing and spin (swish suit, fake passport) you will be guaranteed a wife within the year.

* Don't do it. Don't click.

How To Write A Marriage CV - For Asian Females (Part 2)

Source. This lady has taken the initiative to change things round a bit and use a prop. But she is far too dark. The pose is perfect but she should put on some thick socks and stop smiling. This is not a catalogue shoot.

Photo - do's and don'ts

DO wear an Asian suit that is youthful and 'in' but nothing too fashionable or glitzy. You want to come across as homely and 'decent' not gaudy, 'western' or, God forbid, too outgoing.

DON'T pose with food - you don't want to seem glutinous or greedy.

DO make sure the setting/background is clean. This will give off the impression that you are daughter-in-law material.

DON'T pose in a car (too outgoing - see rule 1.)

DO pose next to flowers (fake if possible) or some sort of shrubbery. It will make you look like such a sweet girl.

DON'T pose with men - fathers, brothers, boyfriends - nope. No men.

DO hold a baby in the photograph. Show them that you are wife/mother material. This will not work if baby is seen to be crying or worse, looking at you in fear.

DON'T pose with other women or girls unless: they are under 16; larger than you; shorter than you; can be mistaken for a man; is a baby.

DO stand in front of a window to give illusion of being whiter than white - this will allow people to think you are fair and therefore very beautiful and good enough for their son. Anything they find out about you which is not in your favour (e.g.; 3 arms, one eye, another husband) will hence forth be overlooked.

DON'T smile too much or too wide. This gives out the signal that you are naïve or dumb.

Next up in this series, tips for all the lonely lovely men out there, so keep checking back!

♥

How To Write A Marriage CV - For Asian Females (Part 1)

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What is a 'marriage CV' I hear you ask? Well, it is literally a CV your family would use to find you a spouse.

The method of exchanging CVs is prevalent within the Asian community because of arranged marriages. They are collected by the prospective bride's family (she never gives hers out first) and if she likes the look of one her information is provided in return. If there is mutual [CV] attraction then the couple and families take a step forward.

Information provided on this document is everything you will need to make a formal introduction: general details, job, education and family background. A photograph is also required.

Yes, it is a bit odd but on the plus side sifting out and rejecting the 'over my dead body' pile is made a whole lot easier. How? Because your parents do the rejecting for you.

Also, arranging your marriage proposals in alphabetical order has never been easier!

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Now, I don't have a CV. I have, however, handled a few and know quite well what most families look for. Below I will attempt to list a few tips to help you compose your very own marriage CV!!!

Of course, if you have any suggestions to add to the lists below feel free to share them by leaving a comment.

CV - do's and don'ts 

DO list your age if you are under 21.

DON'T list your age if you are over 21. Doctor your birth certificate and tell everyone you are 18.

DO list your job title. However if you are a heart surgeon/rocket scientist/anything similar it will bring out your potential spouse's inferiority complex. Keep it simple - Just them you're a supermarket cashier.  

DON'T write more than a page. You're a girl. The main things they need to know is your name, ability to cook and clean and whether you have child bearing hips or not.

DO list your qualifications. Although if you have a Masters or a PhD it might be best to leave those out. See the above point for more information. Also, they probably don't want someone too 'smart'.

DON'T list 'going to the gym' as one of your hobbies unless you like the sweet feeling of rejection. Asians like 'meaty' girls. Besides, no sari is complete without a healthy muffin top.

DO keep it short and sweet. To be frank, they won't get round to reading your CV unless they like the look of your photo.

However, rest assured. I will be posting tips in the next few days on how to get that perfect portrait to go with the masterpeice you have just created

♥