How To Survive A Dining Experience At Tayyabs

Source. Mmmmmm..

I don't write about food, I eat it, so no review here I'm afraid. HOWEVER, my lovely friend Ayeshah has reviewed Tayyabs on her blog, so feel free to hop over here. The award winning restuarant holds a cult status amongst food bloggers so there are plenty more reviews online, should you need convincing about how amazing the food is. They are based in London and serve traditional Pakistani Punjabi food, but none of the watered down imitiations certain other restuarants dish out (where you can't get chilli or salt for love nor money).

Although it is a lovely place to eat, you do need to arm yourself with the tips below before you even consider making a visit. You can thank me later. Especially for Tip 6. Trrrrust me. 

1. Book your table in advance. You can do this online. Call on the day to confirm your booking to avoid any reservation disasters that are mentioned in some reviews. 
2. Take a sodoku with you if you turn up without a booking during peak times (evenings, weekends). You'll need it for the queue.
3. If possible, ask to be seated downstairs. It is darker, has better furnishings and some of the tables are not as crammed together. Note; the lower floor is only open in the evenings.
4. Be prepared for a lot of noise and people, especially if you are seated upstairs during peak times.
5. Be nice to the person serving you. They might be a bit short and abrupt with you due to rush of customers but they generally respond well to smiles and compliments. Err.. d♥n't flirt. Well, don't flirt unless the restaurant is empty enough for you to reap the rewards of your efforts - if the waiter wants to bring you an extra pot of sauce, a wad of tissue, a cleaner knife, who are you to refuse?

And finally... the mother of all tips:  

6. Take a bottle of Febreeze with you for when you leave. Seriously. Douse yourself in the stuff for the journey home so as not to suffocate any unsuspecting passer bys. We were accosted by a sales lady in Amani (a sari shop nearby) with a can of air freshener and an almighty dirty look. Our feelings were summed up by one in our party - 'Nahhh. That's deep'.

How To Write A Marriage CV - For Asian Men

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The task of writing a marriage CV for a man is a bit more straightforward. There are only so many tips I can dispense for the men and it is for this reason I will not be posting a Part 2, as I did for the Asian Female post.

The list below covers all ground but if none of them apply to you, don’t worry someone will take pity find you funny.

♥ If you have a British passport then this will be the only piece of information you will need to provide - after the usual name and age. Trust me, illegal immigrants and divorcees will be queuing up for the hot piece that is you.

♥ If you are a British citizen and also have a healthy income, make sure you write that. Underline it if you need to because you will probably be eligible for a moderately fussy model type somewhere. Bingo.

♥ On top of being British and quite wealthy, if you also have your own property then it is my grim duty to inform you that you must physically barricade yourself in a safe house somewhere. Don't tell anyone where you are. The world and its Asian aunts are going to be after you. You probably already have several tracking devices on your person. Run.

On the plus side, this means you can have your pick. No CV required. When you're ready click your fingers, and your future in law's will be sitting around your table, feeding you sweet meats and sweet words, grateful that you have appointed their daughter your chosen one.

To the observant: you may have noticed that I have not once mentioned a man's looks. Understand this: he does not need to be good looking. Of course it will always be a bonus but you could look [and dress] like the man pictured above and still nab yourself a beauty. When If the daughter does not find you attractive, fear not, because the parents probably will. And we all know whose opinion it is that matters.

So, chin up men. You could be as goodlooking as a baboon in heat * but with a little bit of marketing and spin (swish suit, fake passport) you will be guaranteed a wife within the year.

* Don't do it. Don't click.

How To Write A Marriage CV - For Asian Females (Part 2)

Source. This lady has taken the initiative to change things round a bit and use a prop. But she is far too dark. The pose is perfect but she should put on some thick socks and stop smiling. This is not a catalogue shoot.

Photo - do's and don'ts

DO wear an Asian suit that is youthful and 'in' but nothing too fashionable or glitzy. You want to come across as homely and 'decent' not gaudy, 'western' or, God forbid, too outgoing.

DON'T pose with food - you don't want to seem glutinous or greedy.

DO make sure the setting/background is clean. This will give off the impression that you are daughter-in-law material.

DON'T pose in a car (too outgoing - see rule 1.)

DO pose next to flowers (fake if possible) or some sort of shrubbery. It will make you look like such a sweet girl.

DON'T pose with men - fathers, brothers, boyfriends - nope. No men.

DO hold a baby in the photograph. Show them that you are wife/mother material. This will not work if baby is seen to be crying or worse, looking at you in fear.

DON'T pose with other women or girls unless: they are under 16; larger than you; shorter than you; can be mistaken for a man; is a baby.

DO stand in front of a window to give illusion of being whiter than white - this will allow people to think you are fair and therefore very beautiful and good enough for their son. Anything they find out about you which is not in your favour (e.g.; 3 arms, one eye, another husband) will hence forth be overlooked.

DON'T smile too much or too wide. This gives out the signal that you are naïve or dumb.

Next up in this series, tips for all the lonely lovely men out there, so keep checking back!

♥

How To Write A Marriage CV - For Asian Females (Part 1)

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What is a 'marriage CV' I hear you ask? Well, it is literally a CV your family would use to find you a spouse.

The method of exchanging CVs is prevalent within the Asian community because of arranged marriages. They are collected by the prospective bride's family (she never gives hers out first) and if she likes the look of one her information is provided in return. If there is mutual [CV] attraction then the couple and families take a step forward.

Information provided on this document is everything you will need to make a formal introduction: general details, job, education and family background. A photograph is also required.

Yes, it is a bit odd but on the plus side sifting out and rejecting the 'over my dead body' pile is made a whole lot easier. How? Because your parents do the rejecting for you.

Also, arranging your marriage proposals in alphabetical order has never been easier!

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Now, I don't have a CV. I have, however, handled a few and know quite well what most families look for. Below I will attempt to list a few tips to help you compose your very own marriage CV!!!

Of course, if you have any suggestions to add to the lists below feel free to share them by leaving a comment.

CV - do's and don'ts 

DO list your age if you are under 21.

DON'T list your age if you are over 21. Doctor your birth certificate and tell everyone you are 18.

DO list your job title. However if you are a heart surgeon/rocket scientist/anything similar it will bring out your potential spouse's inferiority complex. Keep it simple - Just them you're a supermarket cashier.  

DON'T write more than a page. You're a girl. The main things they need to know is your name, ability to cook and clean and whether you have child bearing hips or not.

DO list your qualifications. Although if you have a Masters or a PhD it might be best to leave those out. See the above point for more information. Also, they probably don't want someone too 'smart'.

DON'T list 'going to the gym' as one of your hobbies unless you like the sweet feeling of rejection. Asians like 'meaty' girls. Besides, no sari is complete without a healthy muffin top.

DO keep it short and sweet. To be frank, they won't get round to reading your CV unless they like the look of your photo.

However, rest assured. I will be posting tips in the next few days on how to get that perfect portrait to go with the masterpeice you have just created

♥